reclaiming the fountain of youth;

my nails clawed deep down into the library and found
an old song that hasn’t tapped me on the shoulder since 2003
i shot the gun, it began the race and i turned up the volume
my 17-year-old eyes peeled open like metal lids on cans
my 30-year-old self fidgeting with my hands wondering why
and where those emotionally charged heartbeats went,
did i toss them aside and away with my graduation cap or
were they slapped away, underneath piles and piles and piles
of paperwork, no – they were simply packed to stay, to ferment
in a vile, the notes formed rungs where my contemplation hung – (guitars)
thoughts sounding like clanking footsteps on a metal mesh floor – (drums)
nostalgia sounding like wistfulness pounding at the door – (piano)
emotions sounding like a resounding “what for” at my core – (vocals)
i haven’t deeply peered inside since at least fourteen years before;
the song reminded me of sitting down at a cold plastic desk in high school
what kind of score would i give me, i can’t even remember
what i was looking for because i wasn’t really looking for anything
back then i was feeling things
wanting to bring out things from my soul, fumbling around with some
sort of heart alchemy, my child self would try to turn heartbeats
to art, breath to poetry, glances into intentions
somewhere along the line my adult self unzipped itself from the universe
and decided, slowly, numbly, those things were no longer worth
mentioning, and i was wrapped up in a fog, that hung, like a curse
strung out across my brain like cotton balls i would pull out of medicine
bottles, leaving them flung in the corner of my bathroom cabinet mirror
i looked in everyday, as i dug eyeliner to outline my eyes yet i wasn’t
really looking for anything to actually say, my glances no longer held
intentions, my poetry out of breath, and my heartbeats crumpled
underneath dusty unwritten journals, somewhere, somehow, someway, something like
anything, took another shot with a gun, startling me, directionless
forgetting where to run, and in just three minutes, the song was done
i looked into the dark, the edges of shadows perfectly defined,
by the lines of my eyes i spent too long apathetically hiding behind

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